It's Never Just One Thing

As seen in my newsletter.

Whenever I give talks or participate on panels, I always have a slew of sweet, wonderful women slink up to me and say "Can I just get your opinion on this one thing?"

What always follows is a very detailed story of how they met someone, how well it was going, and then how they did this oooooonnnne thing (this one.terrible.thing. – like "texting too much")...and then...CRICKETS. I know the outcome before they utter the words. Every story is some iteration of the former.

I feel for these women. I feel for them so, so hard. Because I was that woman and I know the agony. I know the agony of going over your every move with a fine tooth comb and thinking "But well um wait if I had just done this one thing differently, would it have worked out?! Would I have met my person!? Did I fuck up meeting my person?!"

Nope you didn't. I promise you. Like really, I promise. Short of murdering someone's mother, you're not going to make one move that makes the whole house come crashing down.

The works rests in understanding why you're experiencing so much agony in the first place. Quite simply: why are you so damn racked with worry over what this person thinks of you? What makes you feel like you have so little agency over your dating life? A hint: it's probably a bevy of not so nice feelings about yourself–who you are, how you are, and what you want in this life. Self-awareness around self-loathing is a hard pill to swallow, but know that awareness is the (very) crucial first step. The next step is understanding why you have those feelings in the first place and giving some thought to how you could start to shift them.

My hunch is, we all know this. We all know why we don't like ourselves. We also know we're the only one standing in the way of whatever it is we want. What would happen if you took ownership of that?