So I'm Kind Of A Liar

As seen in my newsletter.

I never realized I was such a liar. If it weren't for Bell Hooks, I might still be hiding out like I always have, or at the very least, not moving towards the deep truth teller I want to be.

Her most recent book, All About Love, had me aha'ing every other sentence. But the line that really brought me to my knees, was the following:

 "Widespread cultural acceptance of lying is a primary reason many of us will never know love. It is impossible to nurture one's own or another's spiritual growth when the core of one's being and identity is shrouded in secrecy and lies."

I'm not lying to hurt or harm (at least not intentionally so). I'm lying about the things we all lie about. Telling my boyfriend I have the energy to go out for dinner when I'd rather stay home, and then being a total wet blanket for the rest of the evening. Accepting the next drink, even though I don't want it, because I'm afraid of what that person might think of me. I'm not lying to be nice or generous. I'm lying because I'm scared to tell the truth. I'm scared those people won't still love me in my truth.

This past Wednesday I turned 33. As a gift to myself, I decided to completely clear my calendar. I canceled all social engagements save one. I canceled plans with friends who were really deserving of my time, who I haven't seen in ages. I was scared to make the ask, to say "Hey, sorry, but I actually still need more time for myself." It felt selfish, but I did it anyway. I was honest and thoughtful and vulnerable and said how I truly felt. I didn't lie.

"When an individual has always lied, he has no awareness that truth telling can take away this heavy burden. To know this he must let the lies go."

Sitting here now, I'm surprised I didn't predict what would actually happen – that those honest interactions would actually make those relationships stronger. That releasing something that felt scary would actually bring so much levity.

It's even more ironic because it's something I urge my clients to do all the time, especially in the realm of dating, relationships and love, an area rife with mask wearing, curated action and performance. We paint the picture of who we think people want us to be rather than who we are. No wonder we're so tired.

May my lessons fuel yours.