How Do You Stay Resilient Around Dating
As seen in my newsletter.
I got back on Hinge last week. Because I'm so passionate about meeting people in person in the digital age, folks will often ask if I use the apps. There's an assumption I've completely written them off (both for myself and my clients), which couldn't be further from the truth.
There's also an assumption that I have some unique sense of which ones are "best." Nope, sorry, a "best" app does not exist. It was purely out of curiosity. One of the panel members of the talk I participated in at the Wing the other week works at Hinge. I really liked what she said about the company. So the next morning I downloaded it, filled out a quick profile, and got to heart-ing. Intuitively, I knew it was something I was meant to do.
Some matches have amounted to great dates. Some are budding conversations. Some haven't gone anywhere. If you were to look at the activity in my account, it would likely look very similar to other people's (i.e. non-dating coach’s) accounts. It's my emotional experience that's entirely different.
Over dinner recently, a friend who'd tired of the apps asked me, "How do you stay resilient in dating?"
I paused for a moment. There were a million different ways I could answer that question at this moment in time. For one, I'm coming out of a breakup so I'm only dipping a toe in and not investing too heavily in any one guy just yet. Two, I have a big work deadline at the end of August and two creative projects in the works, which take up most of my brain space. Three, I had a recent realization around how much great love I've experienced—how I've been loved by others and how I've been able to love others. That's been huge. My awareness of that and gratitude for it has changed the way I date. Lastly, I'm pretty strong in the self-worth department (a life long journey, mind you).
I realized in reviewing my own response though, it wasn't particularly helpful to others. My path to resilience is not necessarily your path to resilience. The question to ask ourselves is not "How do I develop resilience around dating?" but rather "Why don't I feel resilient in my dating life right now? What's that really about?" Your answer will give you a through line to what you actually need to work on within yourself.
The answers I most frequently come across are:
I don't believe I'm good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, etc. and therefore deserving of the relationship I want. <--- Anything you don't believe you're worth you will not get. Full stop.
I have a specific timeline for my life and it's not working out how I thought it would, which puts immense pressure on these dates. <--- How is societal programming running your life? What's the actual life you want to lead and how are you getting in your own way? And if you do really want a husband right now (totally fair), again, how are YOU getting in your own way?
I take everything personally so when someone doesn't text me back or follow up, I feel terrible. Dating makes me feel terrible. <---What's lead you to put your self worth in the hands of others? Also, how could you get ahead of that equation and start connecting with people with more integrity?
I have "fine" dates but I never connect deeply with others. <--- How could you connect more deeply with friends and family in your life? How could you live more authentically, be more vulnerable in areas of your life outside of dating?
Improving our dating lives has little to do with the actual date itself. That's why articles covering what to text after a first date or what time of day to go on the apps leave me scratching my head because, first and foremost none of those things actually help, but more importantly, none of those things will even cross your radar when you possess deep agency over your dating life. Up your agency—your ownership—of your own life and watch what happens to your resiliency around dating and more.